Coco Chanel once said, “A women who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.”

While I don’t hold that line as a supreme truth, I do think Eau de Mama needs to smell nice. You’re a woman not a fisherman. This 4th of July spritz on a little something special to remind yourself of just that. You’ll love how you feel so much you just might do it everyday.

Perfume doesn’t have to be for special occasions. I apply a little in the morning whether I’m going on a playdate or to a meeting and once more right before bed.

My fav scent is Britney Spears’, Fantasy. Homegirl has had her ups and down the last few years but she does know how to put together a beautifully packaged perfume. Well…her business team might have something to do with that.

Sorry I’ve been so MIA. I got knocked up and everything took a backseat from there. I know what you’re asking, “Does sex have to take a backseat when you’re pregnant?” Well maybe the during the first trimester unless your hubby thinks being barfed and dry heaved on is sexy, but not really.

I’m not going to say I feel as energetic and hot when I’m pregnant. I’m slow and soft…in a cute way though. My third trimester consists of me resting for 30 minutes for every hour I spend on my feet. What was I doing last night at 4 AM? Not snuggling up. I was calling Taco Bell to see if they were open yet. Massive gordita craving.

The only thing that prevents me from going into nun mode complete with a Bible and chastity belt is how unfair that would be to my sweet hubby.

Here are some tips for keeping the sex alive (or at least with a pulse) while pregnant:

1. If you have any other kids, send them to grandma & grandpas house as often as possible. As I’m typing I have a toddler on the verge of a meltdown over a fingerpaint issue.

2. Invest in a few cute maternity pieces. Get a flowy dress with an empire waist, a few tops that you really love, jeans, and a skirt or two. You’re not going to feel like a proper woman wearing a potato sack or your husband’s college t-shirt.

3. Get a manicure and pedicure. You will feel like a W-O-M-A-N when you’re sitting in one of those massage chairs even if Jr. or Little Missy is punching you from the inside.

4. While you’re out getting a mani pedi, get your hair blown out and invest in a good lip gloss. See a trend? While impregnated, feeling good through looking good works better than ever. I’m not being shallow, you know it’s true.

5. If you don’t already have one, get a good BPA-free water bottle (mine is pink, Kleen Kanteen) and carry it with you everywhere. You’re basically a giant fishbowl. And your fish pees inside of you. Keep that system flushed to avoid dehydration induced feelings of sloth and bitchiness.

6. Be easy on yourself. Let the house get a bit messy. Ask for help with dinner. You’re making people, OK?

7. Don’t underestimate the power of clean sheets and an evening shower.

Good luck! These little gems have worked for me. Think of it this way, if you think getting up the drive for sex is hard now, imagine how you’ll feel when the baby is here. Remember how he comes out? Giant milk boobs? The exhaustion? That’s what I thought.

xoxo SATS

Look around your bedroom right now. What do you see? C’mon be honest.

Are there sippy cups and wine glasses on your bedside tables? Clean and dirty clothes piled up in the hamper (and on the floor). A couple of Oprah’s literary recommendations lying around? What else? Shopping bags? Receipts (throw those away before the husband sees them)? DVDs? A stiletto and Ugg wasteland?

Now answer this question: who would want to give it up in an environment like that? You may as well be trying to make love in an outlet mall the day after Thanksgiving. It’s too much.  Just like on a Hollywood set, the mood, the feel of the space where the magic is supposed to happens is everything.

Mom. It’s time to get a box of Kleenex, a humongous trash bag and get rid of the stuff your “baby” can’t wear anymore. Despite what you may have seen in the wrong parts of LA, it’s not acceptable for a toddler to wear a onesie like a t-shirt with the little tails that can’t snap anymore flapping in the wind. We’re going to judge you.

I stumbled upon a site yesterday that will have your house de-cluttered and orgasms back before you can say “controlled burn” (which by the way is NOT  good way to get rid of excess goods).

www.handmedowns.com

After all is said and done, I’m all about supporting moms. This website allows moms to save some cash by buying and selling gently used clothes, toys, and strollers. It’s like our own Craigslist without the whole creepy casual encounters/fetish section. I mean, I’m a longtime fan of Craigslist but wouldn’t shop at a Babies ‘R Us that shared retail space with a topless bar. Nothing against breasts. I just don’t think the words “high chair” and “anal beads” should be on the same website.

Back to HandmeDowns.com. Instead of throwing away your baby clothes and letting that Maclaren waste away in your garage, let some local mom take them off of your hands. You’re dressing another baby and creating new space in your home! Tip: If you don’t have time to list clothes individually, sell them in a bundle called a “lot.” Spend the cash you make on candles and massage oil.

One of my favorite parts of the website is that they work with charities like Baby2Baby so that you can donate your goods directly to moms & dads who need a helping hand.

Another one of my favorite parts is that registration takes about 5.7 seconds. Bonus!

Bottom line: save the environment by letting members of your community reuse your stuff, make some money, support a charity, and have more sex.

xox SATS

Sell her stuff. It’s stressing you out.

A reader letter today…

“Dear Sex & The Sippy,

I’m a working mother who is solely responsible for the running the entire household. When I’m not cooking, I’m cleaning, when I’m not cleaning I’m working, when I’m not working I’m playing with the kids or helping them with homework, bathtime…it never ends! Sex is the last thing on my mind. I’m just either too busy or tired. What should I do?

Jaqueline in Malibu, CA”

Dear Jaqueline,

I’m going to share a secret with you. I hate vegetables. Yeah. Much like a 3-year old, the only way I’ll eat green things is if they’re a) deep friend or b) covered in ranch and cheese. When I go to restaurants I force myself to eat them to look grown-up and because they’re good for me but all I’m thinking about is the double chocolate hot fudge brownie dessert with white chocolate ganache and caramel sauce.

Work and cleaning are the vegetables. Sex is the chocolate. Why are you cheating yourself out of the best part of life? Let the house go a bit if you must but do not live a life without dessert. You’ll die young and your husband will remarry someone willing to put out.

xox SATS

Sex and the Sippy is proud to announce that she is with child! Now. I have to get something off of my chest (while it still looks cute, I’m about to breastfeed kid #2).

Pregnancy is no excuse for a lack of sex. The minute I got pregnant I thought, “Oh hey! So his thing DOES work. Guess we’re done with that.” How bad!

The awesome thing about pregnant sex is that there is no need to think about sponges, cups, rubbers, and pills. The soldiers have already planted their flag and all that is left to do is have fun while you don’t feel like a manitee.

Disclaimer: Moms with morning sickness are of course, excused and their husbands are to wait on them hand and foot.

Bonus Disclaimer: All pregnant women should be waited on hand and foot. Where’s my quesadilla?

xo SATS

Pregnancy is a funny thing. Some women LOVE to have sex when they’ve got a bun in the oven, some don’t. Frankly, up until 8 months-ish, I don’t see what the problem is. I know many men feel like they’re poking their fetus in the eye, but we women should know better than that.

I think it has to do with feeling hormonal, crazy, fat & constantly hungry. Oh and then there’s the heartburn, waddling, and fatness (did I say fat?).

Pregnant women, there’s no reason why you can’t keep your sexiness during pregnancy. You’re glowing (and sweating), use it.

My friend Tamara created a line that I think will get pregnant women back beneath the sheets doing what got them knocked up in the first place. Everyone knows I always say that sex for a woman begins with a shower. We all need to feel good & pretty before naughtiness takes place. It’s part of being a girl. This applies to our pregnant mommies too.

Tamara created The Spoiled Mama, a line of lotions, potions, and delicious body products that will make any mama, especially the pregnant ones, feel gorgeous.

She sent me the items from the pregnancy collection and I ADORE them.

The Sugar Scrub is amazing. It smells delicious, is made with all natural products, and will have any with-child woman sighing with happiness. If every pregnant woman started off the day with a The Spoiled Mama Sugar Scrub shower there would be no war. I’m not sure why, but there just wouldn’t.

The Tummy Butter is so thick and luxurious, not at all greasy. I’ve been using it on my spoiled toddler after her bath. Just one of the many ways I say “I love you” to my diva of a 2-year old.

The Extreme Mama Cream is a must for every mom- not just the pregnant ones. You know how often we wash our hands. Give ‘em some love. The Bump Gloss Stretch Mark oil gets two manicured thumbs up for being yummy smelling and feeling SO good on the skin.

Thank you Tamara for creating such an amazing line for moms! Only another mom could have done it. I’m meeting up with Tam (that’s my nickname because we’re so close now. bonded over my love of things that pamper me…) in San Francisco in a couple of weeks. I’ll report back with what she’s working on next!

xo SATS

PS. She has boxed set specials starting at $24 bucks so there is no reason why you can’t do something tres special for yourself. After all the poop wiping, kid chasing, meal fixing, food barfing (morning sickness, anyone?) you deserve it. High five.

I have some hot mama friends. No kidding. I mean, all of my friends are beautiful, some just know how to pull themselves together despite the constant loving tugs (notice how I didn’t say “demands”?) of motherhood.

My newest girlfriend Holly is a tall, smoking hot blonde who does a full face of makeup everyday. The reason I admire her is because she knows what she needs to do in order to feel like a woman and does it. She doesn’t look overdone, she looks like her gorgeous self. My other bff, Emily, has the most polished look everytime I see her. She was blessed with one of the best combos around: dark hair and blue eyes and works it.

I think we owe it to ourselves as women to take care of the outer as well as the inner. It’s possible to be a good person responsible citizen and yummy mummy.

Last weekend I went to my favorite boutiques, Oasis Child in Laguna Beach. I treated myself to a delicious, warm, long sleeved sweater by OmGirl that doubles as a sweater dress when paired with knee-high boots. I wore it as such to a wine tasting last night and felt amazing. When I got home I was so comfortable in the outfit that I just pulled off my boots, put on a nice big pair of comfy socks and finished the night cuddling with my hubby while watching Grey’s Anatomy.

OmGirl is yoga-inspired line by southern California mom, Meghan Fielding. The line blends “urban chic and West Coast sensibility.” Everything is comfortable, beautiful, and perfect for the mom who wants to look and feel good.

Let’s face it. Changing diapers and running errands is just easier when you feel like a million bucks.

xox SATS

It’s 6 AM. You and your husband find yourselves in that magical moment in time when you’re both feeling up for a little something special. Ten minues into the rev up…you hear it…

“Mama!” The tired cry of a child.

Do you:

A: Ignore the calls of your little libido killer

or

B: Throw on a robe faster than your husband can say “nipple confusion” and make your baby a nice sippy cup of milk

Send your answers to onecrazymother@gmail.com

I’ll post the best ones

I’ve heard that some people schedule sex. I’ve also heard that some people wash their walls. I’m not sure what freaks me out more.

Maybe it’s because I consider what goes in my momAgenda “obligations,” but writing “get down and dirty with my spouse, Oct 23rd” in my planner just freaks me out. Sex should be a priority in every marriage because it’s an important mode of communication (and fun). I know some women out there show how important it is by planning it and while I’m positive that their better halves appreciate knowing that it’s a FOR SURE, but I can’t just can’t get on that train.Doesn’t having sex on the first and third Wednesday of every leap year take away some of the nice surprise? If you’re having trouble getting into a regular sexy time way of life, consider this instead of a schedule: why not just assume you’re goign to have sex everyday and let the off days be the “surprise.” It sounds silly, but I try to remain in available mode as often as humanly possible (showered, feeling good about myself, not overwhelmed) most days so that sex is even possible.

And if alcohol helps you get there, so be it. It’s not a dry spell if it’s been 2 months. That’s a marriage in crisis.

Plan if you must, I’ll think you’re weird but at least you’re hitting the sheets. If you’re planning averse like I am, consider making your lifestyle sexual in the way that you take care of yourself enough to even consider taking off your clothes for something other than a shower.

Until next time…keep it sexy,

SATS

It’s hard enough for moms to feel like jumping out of their jeans. Don’t let these three libido killers ruin what could be a very naughty evening.

1. Watching Law & Order Special Victim’s Unit before bed.

Hearing a heart wrenching story about a five-year old’s brutal demise is not going to help you feel all tingly “down there.” Plus, 99% of the perps (yes, I said perps) are men and I don’t know about you, but I  always dislike my husband a little bit for no reason at all when the show is over. Don’t even watch the first 2 minutes to see where they discover the body, change the channel or go straight to bed.

2. Skipping your AM shower

Ok. No one wants to take it all off when they smell like a cross between Cheetos and Similac. Take a shower in the morning because you’re not going to get to it later.

3. Kids. Too late! Just kidding.

3. Snacks. Think before you sip, or eat. Not only will this tip help you shed pounds, it will also help with your dry spell. Eating a large piece of chocolate cake before bed will not make you feel sexy. Not feeling sexy will prevent you from having sex. Therefore, skipping the 540 calorie post-bed snack is a good thing. You’ll get into your jeans AND out of them much easier (ha!) Watch what you sip too. One glass of wine will loosen you up, two will make you silly, three and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..

Have a fun Friday night!

xoxo SATS